RAMBLING

Hi all, me again. You know, the one who has this blog and never uses it. Thought I'd check in a give a life update. Actually, I'm probably mostly going to be doing some bitching, so that's your warning...

I changed my blog name, because BBQ or Die is just cooler. Also, the saying "bbq or die" doesn't have to only mean bbq...basically it just means to work your ass off for the things you want and eventually you will get it. Idk, maybe its a dumb name, but I like it...

This year so far has been crazy. I feel like since we have started our own business I almost don't have any concept of time anymore. Which is actually really sad. We've almost been in business for 1 year, and I'm over here wondering where the time went.

2019 started off shitty, to be honest. We lost my dad in January. It was the shittiest time of my life and it still is. I'm doing okay, I've accepted it. I'm never going to get over it, so I've basically just told myself that the only way to go on is to be okay with not being okay. If that makes any sense. It was completely unexpected, although his health was not in good shape. I hope I make him proud everyday.

Mom life is obviously great, but I'm truly riding the struggle bus. I STILL have to spend every minute of my day patting Townes. Literally just "pat, pat pat" in the car, at bedtime, at nap time, at dinner time. I'm probably going to get carpel tunnel from all the patting. AND MY GOD HOW MANY TIMES CAN THEY SAY "MOM" IN A DAY. And yes, I know I sound terrible, I know I'm lucky and obviously I wouldn't trade them for the world. I have to take a minute to allow myself to be in this negative space or I feel like I can't be thankful. Also, I just need two minutes for silence. I mean, Andrew and I can't even hold a conversation. I'm not exaggerating, either.

So with all that negativity I just spilled out, I do actually have some inspiring words. On top of this year being the worst of my life (because of my dad's death), it's also oddly the best of my life (I think because of my dad's death). Crazy, right? I've hopped back on the yoga train, if you know me at all, you know that I consistently did yoga for yearrrrrrs, then I got pregnant with Hazel and switched to prenatal and then after that I NEVER did it. I don't know if I just got really busy or what but I completely stopped. So after my dad died, I started struggling with my anxiety really badly. I've always had it, but it hit me like a ton of bricks almost immediately after he passed. The day after it happened, my mom and I went to make funeral arrangements and I couldn't even think. I couldn't count the number of grandkids he had and I literally couldn't function so I asked my mom to make all the decisions and she did a great job, might I add. It got to the point where I couldn't go to the gym, or to the store, or anywhere there were a lot of people. Then, Andrew told me about this yoga studio that he wanted me to check out and I forced myself to go because I knew I needed the healing both mentally and physically. So I've been doing a mixture of studio time and yoga at home. I've been working on total body healing. I'm trying to eat healthier, not really to lose weight but to feel balanced, and if you've seen me lately, I haven't been wearing makeup aside from a little mascara and the occasional lipstick, because I'm working on detoxing all superficial bullshit in my life.

I initially wanted to do a whole post about how life changing this whole healing experience has been, but this week has been a struggle. I'm trying my best to stay positive because only I can pull myself out of this negative thought process, but damn, its so hard!

Anyway, I'm 100% against posting blog entries with no images, but I'm not lying when I say that I have literally nothing on my phone but a bunch of bbq pictures, so if you made it this far with no visual break, my hat's off to you!

If you have any suggestions on yoga, healing, dealing with my crazy children or anything else, leave me a comment!

Peace, y'all!