Merry Christmas, y'all!

So, it's 1:28 A.M. And it's officially Christmas. I'm laying in bed and Andrew is in the living room being sneaky about Christmas gifts. My work for the day is finally finished and I am able to finally rest for a moment before I have to do it all again.

I just closed out my bible app and the devotional was about worrying. Something I do best. Here lately God has really been telling me to chill. It's like every time I turn around there is something about letting go and letting God.

I asked Him a few weeks back to let my mind rest if the things that I worry about are okay for me to let go. Slowly, every single day I can feel a little bit of my burdens drift away.

I'm a control freak, I know this is true. I'm pretty sure that's why I have fears and anxieties over certain things. I want to be able to control things about my life that only He can. Slowly, and I mean realllyy slowly, I've been able to let Him be in control.

It's funny because I've heard people say recently that I look genuinely happy and I look back at my stupid social media and see all of these photographs where it just looks like everything is fine and hunky dory and I wonder to myself.. "am I really that happy? Or do I make an effort that I don't even realize to come off that happy?" Honestly, I'm happy. So very much so. I have a million reasons to smile each day so I know that when I'm feeling down, it's not permanent. My fears and anxieties aren't real. That's not what God has in store for me. He wants me to be happy and I know that's why he has blessed me with so many beautiful things in life.

I wasn't feeling Christmassy this year but honestly, just seeing how much my family loves Hazel and how much my husband cares for me has changed my mood. After going to church today I was reassured once more that I'm okay. Everything is okay. God is in control and He loves us. I was down because we have so many reasons why we can't afford to buy gifts for every single person we know but it's not about that. Christmas is about love. I'm definitely feeling the love.

I typed all of this out on my phone so I can't leave you with a photo. Instead I'll leave you with one of my favorite bible verses. One that has got me through so many tough times.

"Don't worry about anything, but pray about everything. With thankful hearts offer up your prayers and requests to God."
-Philippians 4:6

I'm having a moment. Again.

So I'm here to do what I do best. Complain. If you don't want to hear me vent just leave now because I know there are going to be people out there who are going to say I should be thankful for what I have. Trust me, I am. I thank God everyday for waking me up and for all of my blessings in life, but hey, I'm hormonal. So leave me be.

We've finally hit that holly jolly time of the year when you're supposed to be all smiley no matter what, right? Wrong. I'm not feeling grinchy this year, but I'm pretty darn close. I've decided it's extra hard being pregnant in the winter. My mood depends heavily on the weather and I hate when it's all cold and gray..being pregnant makes that worse. Trying to stay positive though, because I'm lucky to be carrying my second baby!

Honestly though, we've been struggling. Every day seems like it brings a new bump in the road. From having to push opening day for Embers back to our car breaking down. Andrew managed to get sick and I'm hoping with everything in me that Hazel and I don't get it. We're going to miss my family's christmas light limo ride, which is fine, but honestly it would be fun to do something fun like that. We can't seem to get a grip on things. People don't care either, sometimes it seems like our support system isn't much of a support system, I really need to stress that 'sometimes' because most of the time, the people we've surrounded ourselves with are pretty great. I've got my boo's back, though. He's got mine. We'll get through it and we will feel that much better about it because we stayed strong, focused on God and believed in ourselves. Please don't send me any hateful comments, I'm well aware I've got it a lot easier than some people. I just need to a minute to let this out.

Oh and also, I'm thinking I'm going to take a long and much needed break from my Photography shin-dig. Something happened today that really just, I don't know? Bummed me out? Shocked me? Whatever, it wasn't cool. I don't want to put them on blast or anything but I shouldn't feel bad about doing it, if I decided to. They did it to me, pretty much... let me just say this, if you hire a photographer. Don't re-edit their images and definitely don't delete said photographer from Facebook right before you do it either. Most of the time, if you just ask, you can get your images checked out again and made to your liking. Not cool dude. Oh, and can I add that you shouldn't say you're happy with them if you obviously are not.

ANYWAY

Here's a random throwback of my wedding day just to change the subject.

On top of everything I just complained about I do have a slew of things to be happy about. Andrew gets some time off in a couple of weeks and I know he really needs that. I'm going to enjoy having him around! My pregnancy is going great! THANK YOU JESUS FOR THAT. My sweet Hazel is happy and growing up so fast! I've got a lot of things to look foward to. Mostly, I can't wait until March. I'm ready to have this baby. I wasn't ready this soon with Hazel but I'm seriously just so excited to be a family of 4. I've been trying to focus more on God and really stay steady on my bible study. It's going well and honestly, I feel like the luckiest girl in the world to know Jesus. I'm really looking foward to our Christmas Eve church service. It's a tradition that Andrew and I do and it always puts things into perspective right before all of the celebrating. This year, I'm going to invite my family. I hope they come but I'm not holding my breath! 

Alright, I'm done I guess. Andrew asked me to make him some tea so I need to get back to my wifely duties. Good night y'all. 

I'm feeling all feeling-y.

I don't really know what this post is about...maybe I just feel like I need to rant. 

Lately, I have really been struggling with self esteem. Honestly, this isn't really ever an issue for me, not because I think I'm some amazing person, but because over the years I have learned to love the person God intended me to be. Andrew has helped a lot with that, if someone as amazing as him can love me, why shouldn't I love myself? Over the course of the last few weeks, though,  I've been feeling negative towards myself. Or maybe negative about my situations? I'm not really sure...

Can we talk about friendships? I'm going to start off by saying that I'm so thankful for the few that I have. I love my tight circle. Honestly, I'm a really shy person so small circles work well for me. Damn, though...why is it so hard to make a keep new friends? I'm a little embarrassed to even say this because I'm a 26 year old woman who shouldn't have this problem but unfortunately, I do. First off, I'm in a completely different stage of life than friends that I've grown up with and (no offense to them because they are awesome people who live awesome lives) but can I not just have a mom friend? Or maybe a not mom friend who wants to become a mom someday and can understand how I feel about things? I'm stuck in this really weird stage of life where I'm growing my family and staying up until 11:00 p.m. is a party but I'm not quite old enough to be compared to some washed up granny, or am I? I honestly try so hard to connect with people, but I'm just too weird, I think. 

Then, there is this whole career thing. My photography, my passion and probably the only thing I'm kind of good at. I'm not super popular, yet and that's okay. There is always someone better than me, too and really, I'm okay with that. I don't want to be the best photographer in the world, because then I won't have anything to aspire to be. Sometimes, though..you get a client who thinks you're not worth anything. I don't want to go into too much detail with this because I love all of my clients, even the unhappy ones because they still supported me by choosing me. Geez, though...can you take a chill pill?

Oh, and then there is this whole election/political/government issue that people just can't get over. Why would someone judge a person for their political views? That is one tiny aspect that makes up a person and surely you can find something in that person that you can relate to rather than thinking they are trash for what they believe or the way they live their life? I hope that I've never made someone feel less than for the amount of money they make or what the believe in. I hope that I've never turned my nose up at someone who has less than me, because honestly. I'm pretty poor. I don't mind saying that either because I have something better than materialistic things and money. I have a loving husband who wants to come home to me every night and a beautiful healthy daughter who is happy and fed. I have another on the way and the idea of that fills an emptiness in my heart that I didn't even know I had. I have God, who loved me enough to sacrifice everything and who will be there when you are not. 

I'm not sure why I wrote this. I'm not sure why I'm going to post this. I honestly just feel vulnerable, sad and unwanted. I feel unappreciated and not worthy. This will pass, though. It always does. After reading this I started to feel like I should just delete it and hope that writing it out would make me feel better. I'm posting it though, I'm not afraid to admit that I have feelings, I'm a person. I'm not afraid to take pride in the broken, imperfectly beautiful person that I am. I wish more people would be raw. I wish people would just say what they think instead of talking behind your back or vaguely saying something on social media. I wish people would stop hiding. I'm babbling.

Love yourself AND your neighbor.

G I R L P O W E R

Two things happen the second you find out you're expecting. 

1. You're scared out of your mind. Like, what do you do with a kid? With a tiny baby, at that?

2. This one might just be me, but WHAT IS IT GONNA BE? A he? she? Pink? Blue? I NEED TO KNOW.

When we found out we were expecting a girl the first time around, we did a gender reveal for the family. It was fun because I got to help plan it and I didn't have to wait 5 days for the weekend to hit so I could find out. Don't get me wrong, I'm sure its fun to be in suspense and open the box or pop the balloon in front of your family and friends, but Andrew and I just don't roll like that. We like to find out at the doctor's office, together.

So back in October, Andrew, Hazel, my mother and myself went to my appointment. We knew we wanted to find out and we were super giddy that morning. They called us back and we went into the sonogram room. The technician goes about her business and does our anatomy scan so we can make sure all is well. Then, out of nowhere she says "It's a little girl!"

My eyes lit up and I was in total shock! I could've sworn we were going to have a boy. I really wanted a girl, but I just knew we were going to have a boy. Mostly because I just couldn't see it being possible to get what I wanted both times. Sure enough, though. God came through. We left feeling so happy and eager to meet our newest little girl! 

I didn't do anything special this time around. I just snapped a photo and posted it to social media because of course, it has to be Facebook official. Andrew and I are crazy and already have each of our children's names picked out. Enough for us to have 12. All girls, of course. :P

I'm mostly excited to give Hazel a sister. That's something that I never had. I can't wait for her to have a solid best friend for life. Someone for her to always count on and vice versa. I come from a family of five brothers and I always wanted a sister. It's going to be so fun to see their relationship blossom! 

Hazel's Outfit Of The Day

Today, H and I had some errands to run...FINALLY! I love being a stay at home mom, I really do...but sometimes it's hard. It's nice to have a reason to shower and put on makeup, it's also nice to communicate with someone who uses actual words and isn't crying for milk or waving Daniel Tiger in my face constantly. So of course today, like any other, I throw on my ratty mom clothes, did some quick makeup and spent 30 minutes planning out what H will wear.

I had planned on meeting up with Andrew for lunch and then heading to the store after for some things we need around the house. That didn't happen at all. Hazel slept right through lunch, and I dare not wake that girl. Honestly, I could go on and on about why none of our plans worked out today and how my kid is currently naked and sitting on my lap crying. I won't, though. Instead I'll talk about something positive. Something that I love, Hazel's clothes! 

I'm weird, nothing makes me happier than shopping for outfits for this girl. New, used, whatever if it's cute I'll buy it. It's an addiction, really. 

So H's style is pretty obvious once you get to know her. We love boho but we can get pretty girly at times. Today, Hazel wore an emerald colored Mexican dress that was gifted to us by one of my best friends. She hasn't even met H (she lives 10 hours away and can't leave town much) and she knows what we like!  Emerald is one of my favorite colors on Hazel, it brings out her brown hair and eyes so well and goes perfectly with her olive skin. Mexican dresses are so cute because of the super detailed embroidery and the floral adds a girly touch to a rather simply designed dress. I never see myself getting rid of this dress. 

I paired it with a head wrap, but that didn't last long and she likes to wear my hat for fun so I had to snap a photo of that. In the end, she ended up wearing a simple leather bow headband from The Bohemian Bear. If you don't know that Instagram shop, you should check it out! She has the cutest things. Then, of course, she wore her Minnetonka fringe boots, because we pretty much wear them every day. Fringe boots are the perfect shoe for us because they go with several of her outfits and who doesn't love fringe? Mama even has a matching pair! She also wore her amber teething necklace because we try really hard to never go a day without it! It's the perfect accessory for us anyway because it's very natural. I have one of those too! The necklace and the shoes came from the baby boutique My Cup of Tea! We love that store! We're biased because I worked there for a while and the owners and employees are awesome, but even if I didn't work there, I'd still say they have the cutest little baby things! 

It was 80 degrees today but if it were colder I would've added tights, knee high socks and a jacket or her fur vest. This is one of my go to outfits, Hazel wears it too often but who cares? It's adorable! 

H turns 1 ( 2 months ago).

So, back in August this little light of mine turned one. I haven't shared any photos or anything about it. I'm home all day today and she's napping so I decided to go through and look at the photos. Looking back, there is one thing I can't even wrap my head around. She's grown a ton! Her face is so much chubbier in these photos and she looks much more "baby" than she does now. In two short months! I really can't believe it. 

We had an Ice Cream themed party and had it at a local 50's inspired shop. It was perfect for our first baby's first birthday because Andrew and I had our wedding shower at the same place! I can't decide if I want to keep the tradition alive and have her sister's first birthday there or not. We'll see what happens after she is here! 

Our colors were pink, white and gold because they are my favorite! (Hazel's too). :) 

The party turned out great! It was short, sweet and she got a lot of gifts. Mostly it was a great day because we got to be with our families. All of her aunts and uncles showed up and my parents and in laws were there! It was such a happy environment and you could tell that H is truly loved!

This is her favorite face to make. This girl doesn't like to show emotion. Especially to the camera. 

 Her favorite gift of all, a giant pile of clothes. People think I'm crazy when I say this girl likes clothes and shopping but look at her telling me to hurry up and pull out more!

Her tiny baby feet make my heart so happy. Sad because we grew out of these shoes and sold them. 

I'm so proud of this little girl. The smartest and sweetest thing I've ever met. I'm very blessed I get to be her mama.

some things I'd like to remember.

So I'm sitting in my dark bedroom because H woke up crying. I decide to lay down with her and I take her little hand in mine. All of a sudden I'm feeling overwhelmed with sadness because she's so big. In this moment I am also feeling an immense amount of gratitude and I've decided that I never want to forget this moment. Then, I started thinking...to all the times in my life when I've felt this way and I never want to forget those moments either. So, here's my list. A list of some things I'd like to remember.

1. H. This is obvious. She's my kiddo, my baby...really, she's my best friend. The one girl I can count on to make me happy when I'm sad and to never leave my side (mostly because she's super clingy and It's against the law for me to put her down). I never want to forget her sweet cuddles. She's one now, going on 15 and I'm scared that my cuddling days might soon be over. I hope not. She's soft and she smells so sweet. Not to mention, she always has to rest her tiny hand on me in the sweetest most heartbreaking-ly way. I'm not going to lie, I secretly like when she wakes up crying and needs me to cuddle her. I know, I'll regret saying that when 4:30 A.M. rolls around and I can't get her to stop..but in this moment, it's perfect.

2. My one true love, my beeb, my husband. The guy that I'm continually dating and falling more in love with, with each passing day. Man, he's a keeper. We are going to get old one day. He'll turn gray and his voice will change and I'll look at him and wonder why I didn't listen each time he tried to tell me something I didn't really care about. I don't want to forget his eagerness to make each day better than the last. I don't want to forget how hard he tries (and succeeds) at taking care of his family. Mostly, I want to remember the way he looks at us, the way he loves us, and the way he takes such pride in being a daddy. 

3. Family. The older we get the greater in distance we grow. I don't want to forget all of the times my parents had a houseful of 1000 kids (okay, 4 sometimes 6) to clothe, feed, educate, inspire and send off into the world. As a mom, I know how hard it is (well, I can imagine). I know it hurts to know that one day you'll have to say "see ya later" (never goodbye) and watch your baby walk out into a world of hate and failure. One thing gives me hope, though. My kids will know that I'll always be here and I'd like to remember that my mom taught me how to do that. 

4. Mostly, I want to remember to slow down. Too often I get caught up in the everyday "hustle & bustle" and I forget that I'm only here for a short time. I vow to make a change. I vow to love every single cry and cuddle from H. I'm going to love my man, even harder when we fight, I'm going to cherish every phone call and moment with my family. I'm will remember.