I'm feeling all feeling-y.

I don't really know what this post is about...maybe I just feel like I need to rant. 

Lately, I have really been struggling with self esteem. Honestly, this isn't really ever an issue for me, not because I think I'm some amazing person, but because over the years I have learned to love the person God intended me to be. Andrew has helped a lot with that, if someone as amazing as him can love me, why shouldn't I love myself? Over the course of the last few weeks, though,  I've been feeling negative towards myself. Or maybe negative about my situations? I'm not really sure...

Can we talk about friendships? I'm going to start off by saying that I'm so thankful for the few that I have. I love my tight circle. Honestly, I'm a really shy person so small circles work well for me. Damn, though...why is it so hard to make a keep new friends? I'm a little embarrassed to even say this because I'm a 26 year old woman who shouldn't have this problem but unfortunately, I do. First off, I'm in a completely different stage of life than friends that I've grown up with and (no offense to them because they are awesome people who live awesome lives) but can I not just have a mom friend? Or maybe a not mom friend who wants to become a mom someday and can understand how I feel about things? I'm stuck in this really weird stage of life where I'm growing my family and staying up until 11:00 p.m. is a party but I'm not quite old enough to be compared to some washed up granny, or am I? I honestly try so hard to connect with people, but I'm just too weird, I think. 

Then, there is this whole career thing. My photography, my passion and probably the only thing I'm kind of good at. I'm not super popular, yet and that's okay. There is always someone better than me, too and really, I'm okay with that. I don't want to be the best photographer in the world, because then I won't have anything to aspire to be. Sometimes, though..you get a client who thinks you're not worth anything. I don't want to go into too much detail with this because I love all of my clients, even the unhappy ones because they still supported me by choosing me. Geez, though...can you take a chill pill?

Oh, and then there is this whole election/political/government issue that people just can't get over. Why would someone judge a person for their political views? That is one tiny aspect that makes up a person and surely you can find something in that person that you can relate to rather than thinking they are trash for what they believe or the way they live their life? I hope that I've never made someone feel less than for the amount of money they make or what the believe in. I hope that I've never turned my nose up at someone who has less than me, because honestly. I'm pretty poor. I don't mind saying that either because I have something better than materialistic things and money. I have a loving husband who wants to come home to me every night and a beautiful healthy daughter who is happy and fed. I have another on the way and the idea of that fills an emptiness in my heart that I didn't even know I had. I have God, who loved me enough to sacrifice everything and who will be there when you are not. 

I'm not sure why I wrote this. I'm not sure why I'm going to post this. I honestly just feel vulnerable, sad and unwanted. I feel unappreciated and not worthy. This will pass, though. It always does. After reading this I started to feel like I should just delete it and hope that writing it out would make me feel better. I'm posting it though, I'm not afraid to admit that I have feelings, I'm a person. I'm not afraid to take pride in the broken, imperfectly beautiful person that I am. I wish more people would be raw. I wish people would just say what they think instead of talking behind your back or vaguely saying something on social media. I wish people would stop hiding. I'm babbling.

Love yourself AND your neighbor.