RAMBLING

Hi all, me again. You know, the one who has this blog and never uses it. Thought I'd check in a give a life update. Actually, I'm probably mostly going to be doing some bitching, so that's your warning...

I changed my blog name, because BBQ or Die is just cooler. Also, the saying "bbq or die" doesn't have to only mean bbq...basically it just means to work your ass off for the things you want and eventually you will get it. Idk, maybe its a dumb name, but I like it...

This year so far has been crazy. I feel like since we have started our own business I almost don't have any concept of time anymore. Which is actually really sad. We've almost been in business for 1 year, and I'm over here wondering where the time went.

2019 started off shitty, to be honest. We lost my dad in January. It was the shittiest time of my life and it still is. I'm doing okay, I've accepted it. I'm never going to get over it, so I've basically just told myself that the only way to go on is to be okay with not being okay. If that makes any sense. It was completely unexpected, although his health was not in good shape. I hope I make him proud everyday.

Mom life is obviously great, but I'm truly riding the struggle bus. I STILL have to spend every minute of my day patting Townes. Literally just "pat, pat pat" in the car, at bedtime, at nap time, at dinner time. I'm probably going to get carpel tunnel from all the patting. AND MY GOD HOW MANY TIMES CAN THEY SAY "MOM" IN A DAY. And yes, I know I sound terrible, I know I'm lucky and obviously I wouldn't trade them for the world. I have to take a minute to allow myself to be in this negative space or I feel like I can't be thankful. Also, I just need two minutes for silence. I mean, Andrew and I can't even hold a conversation. I'm not exaggerating, either.

So with all that negativity I just spilled out, I do actually have some inspiring words. On top of this year being the worst of my life (because of my dad's death), it's also oddly the best of my life (I think because of my dad's death). Crazy, right? I've hopped back on the yoga train, if you know me at all, you know that I consistently did yoga for yearrrrrrs, then I got pregnant with Hazel and switched to prenatal and then after that I NEVER did it. I don't know if I just got really busy or what but I completely stopped. So after my dad died, I started struggling with my anxiety really badly. I've always had it, but it hit me like a ton of bricks almost immediately after he passed. The day after it happened, my mom and I went to make funeral arrangements and I couldn't even think. I couldn't count the number of grandkids he had and I literally couldn't function so I asked my mom to make all the decisions and she did a great job, might I add. It got to the point where I couldn't go to the gym, or to the store, or anywhere there were a lot of people. Then, Andrew told me about this yoga studio that he wanted me to check out and I forced myself to go because I knew I needed the healing both mentally and physically. So I've been doing a mixture of studio time and yoga at home. I've been working on total body healing. I'm trying to eat healthier, not really to lose weight but to feel balanced, and if you've seen me lately, I haven't been wearing makeup aside from a little mascara and the occasional lipstick, because I'm working on detoxing all superficial bullshit in my life.

I initially wanted to do a whole post about how life changing this whole healing experience has been, but this week has been a struggle. I'm trying my best to stay positive because only I can pull myself out of this negative thought process, but damn, its so hard!

Anyway, I'm 100% against posting blog entries with no images, but I'm not lying when I say that I have literally nothing on my phone but a bunch of bbq pictures, so if you made it this far with no visual break, my hat's off to you!

If you have any suggestions on yoga, healing, dealing with my crazy children or anything else, leave me a comment!

Peace, y'all!

Our BBQ Spiel

The story of Embers Barbecue is long and messy, but I promise I’ll try to keep it short. So most of you know us by now, our names are Andrew and Jewel Hill. We opened our shop on June 1st of this year, which happened to be our 5th wedding anniversary as well. After all the work we put into it, I will never forget the feeling we got when we got word that we were cleared to open. We spent a long 2 years working on our little place and while to some, it might seem like it shouldn’t have taken that long, all I can say is that life just isn’t easy.

I could go back several years and start our story, hell, I can track it back to when Andrew was just a kid. He spent many of his childhood years having cookouts with his family. See, we grew up poor, both of us. So cooking was something that wasn’t only fun, but necessary, and that is where the love of cooking began. I can look back and remember plenty of times getting together with family for dinner and how fun it was just getting to be together and hanging out. To us, bbq isn’t just about making money. BBQ is a way to connect with people. Since opening Embers strangers have become customers and those customers have become friends, it’s really amazing.

I’ll jump ahead to the summer 2015. It was May, we had both just graduated college and I was due in August with our first baby. After Hazel was born we were struck with the question that every mom and dad ask themselves. Can we do this? Can we care for her? How is this going to work, financially? I was actively photographing weddings and Andrew took on a job at a power plant. He was tired, he was gone all of the time and we realized that wasn’t what we wanted for our family. We are the dreamin’ kind, go-getters, if you will, and we knew there was something more for us out there. So a few months later we decided to take the dream seriously, and work on opening our place. We aren’t wealthy, so we knew a key component to opening our place was finding a cheap piece of land. That led us to Levelland, where we tracked down the nicest man we have ever known. God rest his soul, he really helped us out and his sweet wife continues blessing us to this day. Andrew and his dad built our smoker and just like all good “full circle” stories go, he used to play on that tank when he was a little boy. He never knew he was going to be cooking briskets inside of it one day to provide for his family. As a pit master, you really create a bond with your pit. Andrew’s story is different, his bond started when he was little.

There were many times when I thought this was never going to happen. We would NEVER open and I wanted to give up. Andrew kept going, because he’s honestly the most positive person I have ever met in my life and giving up is not an option. In March of 2017 we had our second sweet girl and Andrew was still constantly working…he was a maintenance man by day and would go to work on our pit and our building at night. Meaning he would come home near 12 or 1 am. Two months after I had our baby, I just couldn’t do it anymore, I needed his help…I really needed him home. So he took some time off. I know he didn’t want to, but he loves me. I might be off on some of the sequencing here, but we also battled not having hardly any money to put into our place, my parents were “on again” “off again”, his dad had several hospital stays and his mom battled breast cancer. It’s really amazing to me that through all of that, we still managed to make the dream work. Aside from all of the hard work it took to get Embers started, we also spent a lot of time working on recipes. The very first salt and pepper brisket we ever had was Andrew’s. He spent several years working at a bbq place in Lubbock and he would occasionally throw a brisket in to bring home. Keeping in mind that I was an ex-veggie, you can imagine how blown away I was when I tasted it. Later down the road we found ourselves at Louie Mueller BBQ in Taylor. That was the first central texas bbq joint we ever went to and it went exactly as expected; it was delicious and inspring!

We knew from the beginning that we wanted a super simple menu and a walk-up ordering system. We try to keep our menu fresh and we like to change it up every so often to offer more variety. We love getting to chat with everyone who stops by and we want you to be able to see your meal being prepared. We hoped we could create a unique dining experience for Levelland by offering outdoor seating. We love being able to walk out and check on our customers and talk to them and see everyone sit out there and enjoy their meal. So far, it’s been everything we’ve wanted and we have you to thank for that. You help us stay in business, you help us feed our girls, you keep us happy doing what we do. So we hope you all will come eat lunch with us this Saturday to celebrate all the hard work that not only us, but all small businesses put in to keep the world a unique place!

The Bees Knees

I don't really consider myself a hippie, but I hate using plastic, try not to use the microwave, never litter, and try my best to reduce, reuse & recycle. We've only got one planet people, one life, and I don't know about you, but I really want my kiddos and their kiddos and their grand kiddos to be able to enjoy this place like I did.

Recently, I've read a lot about Bees and their importance in our world. If you know me at all, I am 1000% not a bug person. Bees, though, I have learned play one of the most important roles in connecting us with nature.

Bees help pollinate flowers, create food for humans, and of course without bees, we wouldn't have honey and we all know how delicious and healthy honey is.

Click here to learn more about bees and their importance in our world!

So, I am so excited to say that I have teamed up with a great little company called Tees For Bees!
They have cute shirts and hats to help spread the love for bees and 10% of their profits go to Bee City, a charity that is dedicated to protecting bees and their habitats. You can read their story here!

Please, if you have any interest in this cause at all, visit their website! Shop their collection of Tees and use discount code 'JEWEL20' to save 20% on any purchases of $24.99 or more!

Shop now and save the bees if you want to save your world!

10 songs that are the backbone of Embers Barbecue

With the opening of Embers happening in a few short days, I wanted to share a few of my favorite songs that have helped me get through the tough times. Andrew and I love music, always have, he's a pretty alright singer and I'm a great listener😜. As you can imagine, when you're working long hours you need tunes to get you through your day. Just for funsies I want to share 10 songs you can listen to if your tired, broke and tired of being tired and broke. Enjoy!

1. "One Piece at a Time" by Johnny Cash. 
     Honestly, He's just the coolest dude that ever lived. A real deal badass and this song helped get us through those long all-nighters.

2. "Tough Times" by American Aquarium.
     This song is awesome because life sure as hell isnt fair and sometimes you need a bitchin' gritty anthem to sing to and let it all out.

3. "Workin'Man Blues" by Merle Haggard.
     It's Merle Haggard, do you need any other reason to listen to it?

4. "Humble Folks" by Flatland Cavalry.
     This song can't be anymore perfect for us and our business. Embers was built from the ground up by 2 poor dudes just trying to get ahead in life. The real old school, honest, working man type. Andrew and his dad have really given it all they've got and Andrew still makes sure to thank God every step of the way.

5. "Something More than Free" by Jason Isbell.
     To be honest, we didn't listen to this song a whole lot during the Embers era, specifically. However, This song used to come on the radio every day while Andrew was driving to Abernathy for work right after H was born and he never got to see her or be with us. This one gets us right in the feels EVERY. DAMN. TIME.

6. "It Ain't Easy Money" by Andrew Hill.
    The fact that I had to write "by Andrew Hill" kinda makes me laugh because he's just a regular ol dude playing his songs for his wife and daughters, but this one is good. It's one of my favorite songs he has ever written because no words have ever been more true. It's a sad one yall. If you ever get a chance to have Andrew play it for you, I bet you 10 bucks you shed as least one tear. I'll try to record him singing it one day.

7. "I see stars" by Charlie Stout.
     Charlie Stout is a singer/songwriter from our area. He often proclaims that West Texas is the BEST Texas, and we do agree. His tunes embrace a "hard times" feel that only people from this area can relate to. Listen to this song, if any on this list and "The Hanging" too, because it's super good.

8. "Down Here" by Turnpike Troubadours.
     I really kinda just chose this song because you can't really choose ONE song by this band. Every single song is good and we jam them all time and every single time it's like listening to them for the first time. This one is a feel-good tune that reminds us that we really are alright. No matter what, the moon is bright.

9. "I've Always been Crazy" by Waylon Jennings.
     This is one for Andrew, because he is one crazy dude with ideas coming out of his ears and always on to something knew. Some people don't understand it, some people love it. I embrace it, because it keeps him from going insane.

10. "Pancho & Lefty" by Townes Van Zandt.
        This one is for me, because there will never be a better version of this song and because it's my favorite of all time. He had to have been a cool dude and my daughter is named after him soooo💁🏽

Townes Olivia Photo Flow

Hi there! It's been such a busy year! Enjoy these pics of my sweet little girl! 

Her first birthday pictures, done by me, at a random carousel in our local mall! :) 

Honestly, taking pictures of her these days proves to be almost impossible. This girl is on the go 24/7! Of course, not walking yet. 

Just sleeping like a literal ANGEL.

Easter 2018. We were all hot and hungry.

Okay, this one is one of my favorites. We decided to go hiking, Palo Duro was closed, drove to Caprock Canyons, hiked a super intense trail, almost died, slept the whole way home. Lived to tell about it!

Another favorite, dancing to honky tonk with daddy right after our big pit was finally loaded to be moved! 

Dinner with Grampa on the patio.

Mothers Day / 2 months of loving T

I have a lot to say tonight so I thought I would write a blog post. First, I want to say Happy Mother's Day to all you sweet mama's out there! Keep on keepin' on! Today was one for the books. My girls woke up today ready to make sure I knew it was Mother's Day (and I don't mean in a good way). Hazel has been teething and sick with a cold so she's been pretty miserable. Staying up until 2 and only sometimes sleeping in until 11. She was grumpy today and I think she's on the mend from her cold so I wanna say her teeth were hurting. She did tell me Happy Mother's Day though and it kinda made my heart melt all over the place.

Townes was on a whole other level of needy today. I'm not blaming her either because she has been fighting a cold as well and I just can't imagine what that feels like when you're only 2 months old. She cried ALL.DAY.LONG. Nope, that's not an exaggeration. I mean it, all day. Ask anyone who was within a mile of us, they heard it. Poor thing just wasn't having it.

Through all the tantrums, tears and grumpiness I still love them, though. I guess that's what Motherhood is all about. No matter how hard they make it, there is still no where else I would rather be. They make my life so worth it. I was made to be a mama and God is awesome for trusting me with such a huge responsibility. I still can't believe I grew their little bodies and I get to know their little souls. I've sacrificed almost every part of who I am and it's all been so worth it. Through all of the exhaustion I'm still glad I get to wake up tomorrow (or at 3:00 when T gets up to eat) and do it all again. Thank you God, for my little girls.

On another note, I haven't blogged about T at all. Just when I think I have the time to sit and write, someone needs something. I can't believe she's been with us earthside for 2 whole months. I honestly feel like I just had her last week. It's been so rough and so beautiful at the same time. The first few weeks were hard. Figuring out who she was and why she cried was a huge task and I had to relearn how to be a mama because she never cried for the same reasons Hazel did and I guess mentally, I just wasn't aware there would be that much of a difference.

We made it through the first few painful days of breast feeding and I was so proud of myself. Nursing was something that never worked for Hazel and I almost made myself a little too sad about that. Only to find that months down the road, it was the best decision ever. My time nursing has come to an end with T and although I'm sad about it, I don't feel like a failure this time. We made it 4 weeks EBF which was my goal all along and then I pumped and did half formula half breastmilk for another 4 weeks. That means T had breastmilk wayyyyy longer than Hazel ever did and that makes me so happy. Tonight is my first night not pumping and I know I'm going to be a little down when I pack away all of my pumping gear (that I hopefully get to use for just one more little babe) tomorrow.

T is growing so fast, shots are right around the corner and she smiles now! She loves tummy time and still loves being held. She's very alert and has been since birth she looks around everywhere and she almost bends over backwards when you hold her because I'm convinced she wants to stand up already. She sleeps a long stretch between 9-2:30 and then wakes every 3-4 hours to eat. We all love her so much and I don't know how I ever lived life without her.

Overall, we are all adjusting very well. I'm still trying to figure out this new me who is a mama of two and I'm struggling with that a little but I know by the Grace of God I'll figure out a rhythm soon enough!

H A P P Y

She opens her mouth with wisdom and the teaching of kindness is on her tongue.

                        Proverbs 31:26

Hazel Mae

17MO

Jan 2017

Merry Christmas, y'all!

So, it's 1:28 A.M. And it's officially Christmas. I'm laying in bed and Andrew is in the living room being sneaky about Christmas gifts. My work for the day is finally finished and I am able to finally rest for a moment before I have to do it all again.

I just closed out my bible app and the devotional was about worrying. Something I do best. Here lately God has really been telling me to chill. It's like every time I turn around there is something about letting go and letting God.

I asked Him a few weeks back to let my mind rest if the things that I worry about are okay for me to let go. Slowly, every single day I can feel a little bit of my burdens drift away.

I'm a control freak, I know this is true. I'm pretty sure that's why I have fears and anxieties over certain things. I want to be able to control things about my life that only He can. Slowly, and I mean realllyy slowly, I've been able to let Him be in control.

It's funny because I've heard people say recently that I look genuinely happy and I look back at my stupid social media and see all of these photographs where it just looks like everything is fine and hunky dory and I wonder to myself.. "am I really that happy? Or do I make an effort that I don't even realize to come off that happy?" Honestly, I'm happy. So very much so. I have a million reasons to smile each day so I know that when I'm feeling down, it's not permanent. My fears and anxieties aren't real. That's not what God has in store for me. He wants me to be happy and I know that's why he has blessed me with so many beautiful things in life.

I wasn't feeling Christmassy this year but honestly, just seeing how much my family loves Hazel and how much my husband cares for me has changed my mood. After going to church today I was reassured once more that I'm okay. Everything is okay. God is in control and He loves us. I was down because we have so many reasons why we can't afford to buy gifts for every single person we know but it's not about that. Christmas is about love. I'm definitely feeling the love.

I typed all of this out on my phone so I can't leave you with a photo. Instead I'll leave you with one of my favorite bible verses. One that has got me through so many tough times.

"Don't worry about anything, but pray about everything. With thankful hearts offer up your prayers and requests to God."
-Philippians 4:6

I'm having a moment. Again.

So I'm here to do what I do best. Complain. If you don't want to hear me vent just leave now because I know there are going to be people out there who are going to say I should be thankful for what I have. Trust me, I am. I thank God everyday for waking me up and for all of my blessings in life, but hey, I'm hormonal. So leave me be.

We've finally hit that holly jolly time of the year when you're supposed to be all smiley no matter what, right? Wrong. I'm not feeling grinchy this year, but I'm pretty darn close. I've decided it's extra hard being pregnant in the winter. My mood depends heavily on the weather and I hate when it's all cold and gray..being pregnant makes that worse. Trying to stay positive though, because I'm lucky to be carrying my second baby!

Honestly though, we've been struggling. Every day seems like it brings a new bump in the road. From having to push opening day for Embers back to our car breaking down. Andrew managed to get sick and I'm hoping with everything in me that Hazel and I don't get it. We're going to miss my family's christmas light limo ride, which is fine, but honestly it would be fun to do something fun like that. We can't seem to get a grip on things. People don't care either, sometimes it seems like our support system isn't much of a support system, I really need to stress that 'sometimes' because most of the time, the people we've surrounded ourselves with are pretty great. I've got my boo's back, though. He's got mine. We'll get through it and we will feel that much better about it because we stayed strong, focused on God and believed in ourselves. Please don't send me any hateful comments, I'm well aware I've got it a lot easier than some people. I just need to a minute to let this out.

Oh and also, I'm thinking I'm going to take a long and much needed break from my Photography shin-dig. Something happened today that really just, I don't know? Bummed me out? Shocked me? Whatever, it wasn't cool. I don't want to put them on blast or anything but I shouldn't feel bad about doing it, if I decided to. They did it to me, pretty much... let me just say this, if you hire a photographer. Don't re-edit their images and definitely don't delete said photographer from Facebook right before you do it either. Most of the time, if you just ask, you can get your images checked out again and made to your liking. Not cool dude. Oh, and can I add that you shouldn't say you're happy with them if you obviously are not.

ANYWAY

Here's a random throwback of my wedding day just to change the subject.

On top of everything I just complained about I do have a slew of things to be happy about. Andrew gets some time off in a couple of weeks and I know he really needs that. I'm going to enjoy having him around! My pregnancy is going great! THANK YOU JESUS FOR THAT. My sweet Hazel is happy and growing up so fast! I've got a lot of things to look foward to. Mostly, I can't wait until March. I'm ready to have this baby. I wasn't ready this soon with Hazel but I'm seriously just so excited to be a family of 4. I've been trying to focus more on God and really stay steady on my bible study. It's going well and honestly, I feel like the luckiest girl in the world to know Jesus. I'm really looking foward to our Christmas Eve church service. It's a tradition that Andrew and I do and it always puts things into perspective right before all of the celebrating. This year, I'm going to invite my family. I hope they come but I'm not holding my breath! 

Alright, I'm done I guess. Andrew asked me to make him some tea so I need to get back to my wifely duties. Good night y'all. 

I'm feeling all feeling-y.

I don't really know what this post is about...maybe I just feel like I need to rant. 

Lately, I have really been struggling with self esteem. Honestly, this isn't really ever an issue for me, not because I think I'm some amazing person, but because over the years I have learned to love the person God intended me to be. Andrew has helped a lot with that, if someone as amazing as him can love me, why shouldn't I love myself? Over the course of the last few weeks, though,  I've been feeling negative towards myself. Or maybe negative about my situations? I'm not really sure...

Can we talk about friendships? I'm going to start off by saying that I'm so thankful for the few that I have. I love my tight circle. Honestly, I'm a really shy person so small circles work well for me. Damn, though...why is it so hard to make a keep new friends? I'm a little embarrassed to even say this because I'm a 26 year old woman who shouldn't have this problem but unfortunately, I do. First off, I'm in a completely different stage of life than friends that I've grown up with and (no offense to them because they are awesome people who live awesome lives) but can I not just have a mom friend? Or maybe a not mom friend who wants to become a mom someday and can understand how I feel about things? I'm stuck in this really weird stage of life where I'm growing my family and staying up until 11:00 p.m. is a party but I'm not quite old enough to be compared to some washed up granny, or am I? I honestly try so hard to connect with people, but I'm just too weird, I think. 

Then, there is this whole career thing. My photography, my passion and probably the only thing I'm kind of good at. I'm not super popular, yet and that's okay. There is always someone better than me, too and really, I'm okay with that. I don't want to be the best photographer in the world, because then I won't have anything to aspire to be. Sometimes, though..you get a client who thinks you're not worth anything. I don't want to go into too much detail with this because I love all of my clients, even the unhappy ones because they still supported me by choosing me. Geez, though...can you take a chill pill?

Oh, and then there is this whole election/political/government issue that people just can't get over. Why would someone judge a person for their political views? That is one tiny aspect that makes up a person and surely you can find something in that person that you can relate to rather than thinking they are trash for what they believe or the way they live their life? I hope that I've never made someone feel less than for the amount of money they make or what the believe in. I hope that I've never turned my nose up at someone who has less than me, because honestly. I'm pretty poor. I don't mind saying that either because I have something better than materialistic things and money. I have a loving husband who wants to come home to me every night and a beautiful healthy daughter who is happy and fed. I have another on the way and the idea of that fills an emptiness in my heart that I didn't even know I had. I have God, who loved me enough to sacrifice everything and who will be there when you are not. 

I'm not sure why I wrote this. I'm not sure why I'm going to post this. I honestly just feel vulnerable, sad and unwanted. I feel unappreciated and not worthy. This will pass, though. It always does. After reading this I started to feel like I should just delete it and hope that writing it out would make me feel better. I'm posting it though, I'm not afraid to admit that I have feelings, I'm a person. I'm not afraid to take pride in the broken, imperfectly beautiful person that I am. I wish more people would be raw. I wish people would just say what they think instead of talking behind your back or vaguely saying something on social media. I wish people would stop hiding. I'm babbling.

Love yourself AND your neighbor.

G I R L P O W E R

Two things happen the second you find out you're expecting. 

1. You're scared out of your mind. Like, what do you do with a kid? With a tiny baby, at that?

2. This one might just be me, but WHAT IS IT GONNA BE? A he? she? Pink? Blue? I NEED TO KNOW.

When we found out we were expecting a girl the first time around, we did a gender reveal for the family. It was fun because I got to help plan it and I didn't have to wait 5 days for the weekend to hit so I could find out. Don't get me wrong, I'm sure its fun to be in suspense and open the box or pop the balloon in front of your family and friends, but Andrew and I just don't roll like that. We like to find out at the doctor's office, together.

So back in October, Andrew, Hazel, my mother and myself went to my appointment. We knew we wanted to find out and we were super giddy that morning. They called us back and we went into the sonogram room. The technician goes about her business and does our anatomy scan so we can make sure all is well. Then, out of nowhere she says "It's a little girl!"

My eyes lit up and I was in total shock! I could've sworn we were going to have a boy. I really wanted a girl, but I just knew we were going to have a boy. Mostly because I just couldn't see it being possible to get what I wanted both times. Sure enough, though. God came through. We left feeling so happy and eager to meet our newest little girl! 

I didn't do anything special this time around. I just snapped a photo and posted it to social media because of course, it has to be Facebook official. Andrew and I are crazy and already have each of our children's names picked out. Enough for us to have 12. All girls, of course. :P

I'm mostly excited to give Hazel a sister. That's something that I never had. I can't wait for her to have a solid best friend for life. Someone for her to always count on and vice versa. I come from a family of five brothers and I always wanted a sister. It's going to be so fun to see their relationship blossom!